This is 32

photo credit: Allie Nichols Photography

Turning 32 was fun.

I was fearful of 30. Not for any other reason than a stigma that I built around it. As a kid, 30 was old. As an adolescent, 30 meant you had you stuff together, your goals were met, you had success, a solid career, a full family, you peaked. As an adult, 30 took it’s time. I very much enjoyed my 20’s, 30 was unknown territory.

I turned 30 and didn’t suddenly become an old lady. I do find early 20 somethings hard to swallow; not in a bad way, just in a “that sounds exhausting/different season of life” way. I turned 30 and my goals weren’t met, I didn’t even have my goals organized, and honestly, I didn’t really know what most of them were. I turned 30 and didn’t suddenly loose myself, or loose track of my direction, or wonder what to do with my hands now that I was 30.

Turning 31 was worse. It meant I was now “30 something“ and I still didn’t have all of those things I thought adults had when they turned 30; that stigma of success, clear direction, I had two kids but was unsure of the finality of family, fear for having children in my 30’s. Thirty one was sort of mundane. I think I hid from 31.

Thirty two though, man, if I could write a letter to my 19 year old self and tell her what 30 something is like, she’d laugh… and be super confused… and maybe even procrastinate even worse than she already was. Thirty two feels good. It’s not much different than 30 or 31, but at 32 I have clear goals and I know that they’ll change and grow and mold into other goals. I let God lead my life and, so, I may not be going in one clear direction, but I’m in motion and I trust it. I am old, like, something new hurts each day, but I feel young in that I have my entire career ahead of me, my children’s lives are just beginning and I’m in charge of shaping them, I can do anything I desire in the next 30 years. I am successful, maybe I’m not pulling in the financial side that I though 30 year olds should, but I have a great husband, a great marriage, a healthy family, a career that fulfills me and does just what I need it to, desire to grow, wisdom, love, support, strong friendships. I know how to be a great wife, mother, business woman and friend. I’m much more confident. I can identify my weaknesses and give them names and make them small. I’m certain. Even when a path or moment feels unknown or intimidating or scary, I’m still certain that the outcome will be what God intended for my life. Thirty something feels right.

For me this is what 32 is:

It’s sticky kisses. No, wait. It’s SUPER sticky, slobbery kisses.

It’s working hard in my business on things that no one will ever see.

It’s doing homeowner crap on my actual birthday. And liking it.

It’s relearning my body and it’s fuel and movement.

It’s being prayerful.

It’s about honesty and truths.

It’s super tight neck hugs from tiny arms.

It’s repeating myself AT LEAST 3 times, every time I speak.

It’s play dates and missed play dates.

It’s working for my marriage.

It’s long days and short years.

It’s learning how to not ignore my kids. [I’ve gotten so good at ignoring “mommy, mommy, mommy“ that I don’t even mind the cooking timer going off right in front of me].

It’s being flexible with my time.

It’s saying no to things, because I have to, not because I want to.

It’s saying no to things, and liking it.

It’s creating boundaries.

It’s about enjoying moments without thinking about the next.

It’s 10:30 pm bed time.

It’s getting to know my husband in his growth.

It’s about laughing, a lot.

It’s only getting a tan, because you got burnt while working outside. And only working outside, because you have a babysitter.

It’s compromise, like, a lot of compromise.

It’s relating to kids, better than I relate to adults.

It’s talking about the hard stuff.

It’s having little eyes judge my every move.

It’s about pouring into myself.

It’s being selfless.

It’s about spending time on what matters.

It’s about recognizing the value of time.

It’s mourning things that have changed.

It’s putting effort and hard work into every relationship that matters.

It’s being aware of other’s needs.

It’s creating joy right where I am.

It’s giving it to God.

So, If I could tell my 19 or 20 year old self something it would be just how great life is. It’s hard- it’s full of tough decisions, difficult roads and hard work.. but it’s worth it. The reward of each season and phase of life is different from the last and nothing is defined by age. Each closed chapter and new beginning is super special in their own way. It’ll be sad when things are different, but it’ll also be so much fun navigating the new things. Also, stop trying to be so planful and controlling; enjoy each of your moments just as they are but keep working hard and fighting for for yourself.

Let’s do this, thirty two!

Photo Credit: Mae B Photo